Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize