I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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