I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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