Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Randomize