i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
