i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
