i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
porn star boner night. come get it.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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