he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
