Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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