my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
