My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
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