did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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