forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize