why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
