Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
