In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
