only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
