Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Randomize