do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize