I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
what day is it and did you see me today?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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