My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
