Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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