hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
