I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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