part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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