I smell stomach acid.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize