You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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