I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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