Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
