Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
