Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
