thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
