Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
