remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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