I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
