I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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