Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
