my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
