Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
