Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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