I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
