Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
