i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
