It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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