I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
