the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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