So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
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