Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
