the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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