I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
