Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I have post one night stand depression
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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