I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
