Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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