dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
