I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
